On Starting Afresh

So this is it.

If only I knew what “it” was.

It’s been more than two years or so and I haven’t updated my blog in so long. LOL.

This makes me the best procrastinator in the the HISTORY of procrastination.

Wow.

Something I’m good at.

So after getting locked out of my account at WordPress (because I couldn’t remember my password) I’m finally back.

I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t know why I stopped, because I know exactly why.

I’m a mess.

*Makes comeback after two years and opens with the most vulnerable thing ever*

Holds up peace sign.

Yes, this is my brand ladies and gents.

So here I am. Typing away furiously and trying to pour my feelings out. I wanted this blog to skyrocket to fame and make money off it (lol) and just wanted everything to be perfect and la dee da dee da.

Except that’s not how the mechanics of reality work. Quite far from it.

I’ve been seeking therapy, trying to understand myself and why I do the things I do, shamelessly indulging in my depression and not leaving my bed and barely making it to university. It’s been difficult.

It’s not easy right now either, but frankly I’m sick of things being the way that they are and letting this sinking feeling in my stomach get amplified everyday and being disgusted with myself for not doing enough yet I can’t even find the strength to do the bare minimum. This leads me to beat myself up and continues this vicious cycle which I am trying to get out of. I’m not sure this is strength but it’s something, better than nothing, and I’ve been doing nothing a lot. I’ve been letting myself get berated by my own mind, by those around me, feeling left out (more on this later) and just letting go of things, things that I know I will enjoy but I can’t find the strength to do them.

I was hoping for this to be an inspirational comeback post with sunshine and smiles but the pursuit of this colorful, carefully built “inspirational” reality is the reason why it took me so long to get back here.

I’ve been on social media and everyone I see is doing something. Not like me scrolling and just being wistful and feeling like everyone is growing but me. No wonder social media is so toxic but then again I don’t want to feel left out. In desperate hopes of connection, I just end up feeling more disconnected than ever.

And this is coming from a person who really enjoys her own company and rarely feels lonely.

No, I don’t want your pity and nor do I want to be your “grateful story.”

Now what’s a grateful story? One may ask.

It’s a term I’v coined to to describe those who feel grateful after seeing someone miserable. Don’t get me wrong, gratitude is a beautiful thing, but being someone’s grateful story just creates an imbalance that’s already there. Chances are, those who feel grateful about their lives after hearing your sob story don’t have it as bad as you do in the first place. So you’ll end up feeling worse about yourself because you ended up cultivating positivity in their life (which they already have) but you can’t seem to do it for yourself. Gratitude is great, but it’s something that you can’t seem to cultivate in your life then chances are you’re making yourself more miserable. Something I do quite often so I speak from experience.

Making myself miserable is almost fun, it’s quite addicting actually. Sounds like an oxymoron but it’s not. It just fuels this self critical narrative of mine that has nothing better in life than to make myself feel inadequate. And having that voice win.

Over and over again.

So atleast you’re winning at something in life. That’s why you try to grab on to any sort of accomplishment you can get your hand on. And self critiquing, especially for people like me who are not well versed in the art of self love, comes very easily. It’s probably the only talent I have, or so I think.

(Added the last part for the sake my therapist and those around me who continously try to soften my self critique but despite their efforts, I can’t seem to believe them).

I realized I stopped writing for two primary reasons:

a) I wanted every piece of mine to be this revolutionary idea that was my breakthrough to being viral and recognized and just something that was very impactful and PERFECT

b) The second reason I realized was when I was talking to my friend and she told me she penned down her thoughts in her diary and I remembered I wrote one when I was about 9 or 10 but I stopped. The difference in our experiences was that when I was about 9, I had written in my diary about this boy I had a crush on and my mother got her hands on my diary and she, alongside with my grandmother, called me in an empty room and scolded me for doing “stuff like this”. I just remember my heart racing and crying so much and just wishing for the earth to open and swallow me up, even though the supposedly heinous crime I had committed wasn’t actually anything. It was just a short note about a pubescent crush that expired in no time. Yet I was shamed and berated for it. I was only 10.

So since that episode, I’ve stopped writing altogether (even though it is something I enjoy very much) and even when I do write I do so with uncertainty and with my guard up and I’m just scared. Very scared.

It was something that happened quite a while ago but it still makes me scared. The double standards that society has for a girl at such an early age really got to me. I’m pretty sure if it were a boy in my position, all of this would just be laughed off. But here we are.

Anyway, three months in 2020 and I’m thinking of starting afresh. These things are typically done on 1st January but you don’t need a date to start. You just need the will. I have gathered enough of it for now and I’m hoping I will be more consistent.

Welcome to my journey, it’s not perfect but it’s a start. I’ll take that over being stagnant, any day.